Like, I said in my previous post, in 2012 everything in my life kind of cratered. It started with getting laid off my job in January (though to be perfectly honest I was kind of glad when that happened). I took it as the opportunity to start my own business. I was in my 30s and healthy and my wife and kids were young and healthy, so I decided to not pay the huge fees and not get health insurance for a few months.
Of course, that’s when it all it hit the fan. One morning I started experiencing pain in my stomach, and by the evening that pain was crippling. My wife and I went to the emergency room where I was rushed into surgery. Turns out my intestines weren’t where they belonged or some other such nonsense. Next thing I knew I was waking up in a hospital room with a tube shoved through my nose and a 12-inch incision all stapled up nicely running downing down my stomach. I spent the next ten or eleven days in the hospital recovering.
I had been told that in our suffering Jesus would be there, helping us through it, that whole footprints in the sand thing. I was in so much pain those two weeks and was so sick and never felt like I was going to better. But the absolute worst part is that I could not feel the presence of God in my life. I felt utterly alone, abandoned, and betrayed by the one I loved the most. Depression set in about halfway through and not to sound utterly dramatic, I spent half that time praying I would die in my sleep. I hate writing tall that out. People have suffered far worse. But, more than the pain, it was the deep sense of abandonment that was hurting me the most.
I finally was released and spent the next couple of months recovering at home. While the pain was diminishing, the suffering only increased. First was the $100k medical bill that came in for my lovely vacation at the hospital. That choice to not get that temporary health insurance really came back to bite me. We quickly ate through our savings and my severance and soon we were unable to make our mortgage payments. My depression and the financial situation turned me into an angry despicable person. My marriage took a nosedive. Big time. I did not think we would make it together through the rest of that year.
To add to it all, I was hearing rumors of friends from church blaming me for not getting health insurance when I had the chance. What a great way to kick a guy when he is already down. It only increased that sense of abandonment. My relationship with the Lord became nonexistent and those early negative feelings I had toward the Church started to increase. I really wish I could relay in words how that all felt. For about 8 years Christ was my whole identity and that identity was collapsing.
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